The Biggest Steak I Ever Ate

I’m thinking of renaming this blog ‘John’s Blog of Steaks’. It’s all I seem to be cooking right now. Steak with this. Steak with that. Being married to a vegetarian doesn’t seem to be a problem.

I mean if I decide to make ‘Steak and Beans’ then I simply make ‘Beans’ for the wife. Boom boom! (She told me to write that). So when I visited my newly discovered ‘Country Farm Shop’ I decided to go for broke and get a big steak. A really big one.

I walked up to the butcher’s counter and asked for a thicker sirloin than those on display.

‘One moment sir’, replied the man, and disappeared out the back. He was gone for five minutes.

I started wandering around, and found some chocolate covered nuts to stare at (it’s that kind of shop). He returned, with half a cow slung over his shoulder. (I really like that shop).

He cut out the relevant piece of carcass (I don’t know the butcher’s jingo, so keep with me), and placed it on the counter, holding a large cutlass, sorry knife, over the meat.

Immediately I sprung into action.

‘Keep going’, I said as he moved the knife to his left, slowly, to determine the thickness of the steak I wanted.

‘Go, on’, I continued, a slightly increased pitch in my voice betraying my growing excitement (I’ve eaten steaks at Kincaid’s in Redondo Beach, so I know what I want).

The man gave me a sideways glance (kind of, ‘For God’s sake man, this is England, have some decorum’) but the knife edged along.

‘That’s it’.

He sighed with relief.

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To be clear – that’s a dinner plate, not a side plate…

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Satay Sirloin Steak – delicious and that is a fact.

Now you hear a lot of ‘facts’ on TV, radio, the internet. ‘Experts’, with ‘opinions’, about ‘things’. For example:

It’s an absolute fact that if everyone in China jumped up and down at the same time, the orbit of the Earth would alter sufficiently for us to be put on a collision course with the Sun. Why? Well because the Chinese just get on and do what they are told.

If the population of Europe tried to do it everyone would start arguing; the Germans would want to tell everyone else what to do, which would cause the French to sulk, and the Italians would put two fingers up and go sleep with each other, whilst the Spanish would be too busy having a siesta anyway and would miss the whole debacle.

What about the English I hear you yawn. Well, we aren’t European are we?

Of course the Americans might be able to do it, but the Japanese would probably do it better. And cheaper. Probably more reliable as well. Now, where was I? Oh yes, facts.

If a butterfly in the Amazon farts, a dog gets a bad case of the shits in Hyde Park, London. (I put the London bit in there because there is a Hyde Park in NY State apparently, and I don’t want anyone there thinking their dog might take a random dump on the lounge carpet because of a butterfly; it won’t, he will do it deliberately to piss you off). Anyway, small changes having big consequences is called the ‘Butterfly Effect’. I think that’s it.

So I can handle being told all these interesting facts. Useful information even. I mean if I ever end up as head of the Chinese State and then go mad with power, I will just shout ‘jump’!

But being told what is good for you and what isn’t frankly gets on my tits. Red wine causes cancer, but it’s good for your circulatory system.

Red meat causes cancer, heart disease and bowel obstructions. But it’s got iron and protein, and they are good things.

Quinoa is an excellent healthy food, but looks like desiccated fish spawn.

So when is he going to get to some food you might well ask, if you’ve got this far. Well right now. Today’s offering on the culinary merry-go-round is ‘Satay Beef with Noodles’.

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The combination of sirloin steak and peanut sauce was a new one for me, but it worked well (if memory serves).

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