For this to happen the aforementioned human would have to be served up to the predatory plant in little bits, of no more than one gramme at a time (each gramme taking about 1 3/4 days to process). Anymore than that and it would freak out and stop working.
On that basis, given the average human weighs about 75,000 grammes, it would take the little blighter 378 years to finish off dear Aunt Gladys. (BTW all this information is courtesy of a Sunday Times journalist, @MattRudd, who is paid money to come up with this stuff. Some people have the life. Still, he reckoned it was 1,500 yrs but I reckon its 378. It matters people).
So what, I hear you yawn. In fact someone might be reading this and thinking what is this drivel, where is the steak. Actually if someone is reading this then I’m really happy. If someone is reading this and still thinking, I’m ecstatic).
Well the point is, if a Venus Fly Trap can eat a man in 378 years (admitedly in very small portions), then how long would it take to eat this steak?
I was watching ‘MasterChef: The Professionals’ the other day. MasterChef is bad enough in terms of the sheer terror those poor contestants go through, but being on the show and being a professional chef as well is even worse.
Having the likes of Marcus Wareing, Monica Galetti and Gregg ‘that’s a lovely plate of food’ Wallace tell the head chef of a gastropub in Hampstead Heath that his ‘Pan-fried Duck with Distressed Carrot Salad on a Bed of Infused Cherry Curds with Cognac Reduction’ looks like road kill could do more than dent a bit of pride.
One of the meals prepared was ‘Lamb three ways’. The chef did Shepard’s Pie (in a mini saucepan), a kind of lamb meatball thing (can’t remember exactly what it was) and lamb leg loin. It looked good to me but the judges were harsh and said it didn’t taste of anything much. Of course us viewers wouldn’t know, we just stare at the food whilst munching on nuts and sipping a glass of wine thinking ‘I wish I was eating that rather than these crappy nuts’.
So I decided to do something like what I’d seen. You know ‘Monkey See, Monkey Do’. I opted for ‘Cottage Pie with Seared Fillet in a Madeira Sauce, Parsnip Puree Croquettes and Horseradish Cream’. Or ‘Beef, Two Ways’.
You’ll all remember the Atkins Diet craze – eat fat and protein, a few green things, and watch those pounds fall away. And then suffer some unpleasant side effects, which we won’t go into here. Well I am on a diet but to be honest, now that I can fit into my Aqcuascutum* suit, it’s getting a bit difficult to maintain the motivation.
(*That’s not bragging, they’re on the verge of bankruptcy so I’ve heard)
So in order to a) fulfill the need to cook delicious food with b) my desire to pretend that I am still losing weight, I decided to revisit an old favourite – Surf ‘n’ Turf.
I think poaching is the most impressive way to cook an egg . There are many ways to do it – use a poacher, cooking rings, or just put them in water ‘free-form’.
But the problem with these methods is that either the eggs end up looking flat and a bit boring or they try to disintegrate in the water, looking like they’ve blown up. What you want with a poached egg is something that looks like a little white cloud!
Of course I didn’t make a poached egg and then just eat it. I serve it with steak!