Chinese Chicken Curry for People Who Are So Lazy They Can’t Even Pick Up The Phone And Order Take-Out

This is the second post in a series I am calling ‘Lazy Food’. The first post related to making cupcakes. This is the second. It will probably be the last.

A while back I tried doing a series entitled ‘Around the World in 80 Beers’. I did 8 and then got bored (not of drinking the beers, I’ve drunk thousands, just writing about it: ‘Hey, I drank some beers, got drunk, fell asleep watching Family Guy; that’s it’).

The key to creating ‘Chinese Chicken Curry for People Who Are So Lazy They Can’t Even Pick Up The Phone And Order Take-Out’Β is getting your chicken to take on the texture of take away chicken. You know, all soft and wet and squashy. You don’t want firm fibrous chicken that has the chewiness of real meat.

No, you need the kind of chicken you get at 3am from the local Mr Wong after a night out, amorphous gloop that is undifferentiated from the soggy onion and floppy green peppers. You also need, and I cannot over-stress the importance of this, ‘Goldfish Chinese Curry Sauce’. You really need that.

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So to get to the rub, so to speak:

For the chicken-like-you-eat-from-a-take-away..

  • two chicken breasts, skin removed, cut into chunks
  • 2 tbsp cornflour
  • 2 egg whites
  • 2 tbsp soy sauce
  • 1 tbsp oyster sauce

For the sauce

  • 1/2 tub of ‘Goldfish Chinese Curry Sauce’
  • 1 red pepper
  • 1 green pepper
  • 1 punnet mushrooms
  • 2 onions

First put the chicken in a plastic tub and add the cornflour, egg whites, soy sauce and oyster sauce. Mix thoroughly. Marinate for at least an hour (preferably four). The marinade helps to moisten and soften the chicken, just like your local take away used to make (or still does).

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When you’re ready get the curry paste out of the pot:

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The contents of this pot aren’t important right now. Best just to say there are a few ingredients in there that you won’t have in your ‘dry ingredients’ inventory in your cupboard. Put the paste in a jug and add boiling water to get it to your desired consistency: I like mine thick and glutinous.

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Mmm…..gloopy!

Chop up the vegetables:

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Stick them in a wok and start frying:

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Hard to believe but this is our kitchen, not ‘My Old China’s’

Now add your marinated chicken:

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Looking good. Now add the sauce:

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You know this isn’t going to win MasterChef but you just don’t give a monkey’s…

Let that bad boy simmer.

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It’s blowing little bubbles like a mud volcano…

Serve with rice. And wine.

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Okay we need a close-up to make sure you can see just how exactly the same this is to a take-away Chinese Chicken Curry:

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After 4 pints of Stella Artois you wouldn’t know the difference. 3, yes. 4, no!

64 thoughts on “Chinese Chicken Curry for People Who Are So Lazy They Can’t Even Pick Up The Phone And Order Take-Out

  1. Have a kettle or hot water on hand to adjust the thickness ofthe sauce to your liking.
    Great recipe and great blog. Thank you.

  2. Pingback: Chinese Chicken Curry In a Hurry (ish) With Egg Fried Rice | British Blokes Cooking

  3. I need your phone number please, so the next time I am too lazy to cook (which is 6 out of 7 nights) I can call your house and order some of this. It looks scrumptious – which is a word I don’t use that often. (Since I live in the states, your delivery person may have a bit of a trek. I’ll tip him nicely, though).

    • We have a crispy peking duck pizza over here – it’s to die for – which you would if you ate a whole one, which I have and since I am still here i just debunked that particular theory!

      • The Hong Kong Pizza King was not nearly the culinary delight you describe – a concrete shoebox with one window to view doomed customers as they swayed at the counter.

  4. It would be even easier if you got a kid (certified for stovework) to cook it for you! Looks delish! The soup and salad I have planned for dinner tonight have lost their appeal …

    • I looked it up:
      wheat flour, hydrogenated vegetable oil, palm oil, curry powder (contains mustard seed), salt, water, monosodium glutamate e621, coconut cream, spice, onion powder.

      Go figure…

  5. In spite of your protestations to the contrary, this looks delicious. It is also totally different from curry I ate many years ago in a “restaurant” in a city in Wales (not otherwise identified for obvious reasons), which has made it to the list of 10 worst restaurant meals I have ever eaten.

  6. Hi There, I came on over from Diane’s Kitchen table. Your writing style has me laughing out loud and recipes are making me really hungry. This is just like the great little curry dishes you can get at 3am here in Hong Kong. Looking forward to keeping in touch. Take care, BAM

  7. I think you’ve got the title for your new cook book! I don’t think our Chinese food does much with curry & I’m wondering if you’ve got more of a Chinese/Indian type of influence. We’ve come a long way with our Chinese restaurants around here though – now they actually use more than one 20 watt light in the places, your arm doesn’t get stuck to the table, and I haven’t heard rumors of cats gone missing in a long time.

    • Well we went off takeaway a bit round here when we found out the chicken came from industrial facilities in Holland and that they used beef instead of lamb (which means they used horse because we also found out that beef was being substituted for horse – yum!)

  8. Here I was, about to lift my mobile to my face like a chump when I discovered this ‘Chinese Chicken Curry for People Who Are So Lazy They Can’t Even Pick Up The Phone And Order Take-Out’.

    I’ll never order takeaway again! You sir, are a public servant.

    • Tesco. Or Wing Yip. Or as they say on the adverts ‘Any good bookshop’. Except of course in this case it would be supermarket. BUT it contains the dreaded MSG and I found out the worst thing about MSG is that it incites a craving for more food (like eating a MacDonalds)

  9. Jesus Christ on a bike! What are you doing? I have been splitting my sides reading this. I spend my time working myself away from those awful curry memories. You drag me back in with this. Brilliant.
    Best,
    Conor

  10. ‘You need the kind of chicken you get at 3am from the local Mr Wong after a night out.’

    Requesting a follow up in the lazy series, please – ‘Dirty Kebab for People Who Are Too Hungover to Make it Downstairs’.

    Great post!

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