Sent today on an email – my duty to share and hopefully cheer you up on this crappy damp windy Friday…
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while the exchanges were taking place:
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
A while ago Conor Bofin (he of the man meat) posted about monkfish and linked it to a distant TV program called ‘Kung Fu’, starring David Carradine (I could right now go off on a random tangent about Mr Carradine and his nocturnal activities but seeing how this is a ‘food blog’, I suppose I shouldn’t). I used to watch that show and it reminded me of another, less well known program, called ‘Monkey’. (Honestly watch this, the music gets really groovy, for 1978).
Okay this is the last post on this particular subject. However I justify it’s presence here on the basis that a) it made me laugh and b) it’s about food and, after all, this is a food blog.
Over here (i.e. anywhere between Ireland and Russia) we recently found out we’ve been eating horses when we thought we were eating cows. And it started in Tesco (the UK’s version of Walmart). And in Tesco you get poor-people’s food and not-so-poor-people’s food – either way we’ve all been eating horse shit)…
Recently it was revealed the Great British Public has been consuming cheap frozen beefburgers featuring a ‘special ingredient’; horsemeat. This revelation opened up the inner workings of the food industry, including the importing of ‘fillers’ from Eastern Europe which were used to help hold the delicious meaty treats in question together.
Naturally vegetarians the world over have grasped the opportunity to have a good giggle at the misfortune of the unwary carnivorous community, not least both my wife and mother-in-law who conspired to deliver the following witty one-liners to the inbox of Happiness Stan.
- A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
- So they have found a horse burger in Tesco, what’s next, my Lidl pony?
- Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
- A waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger, so I had £5 each way!
- Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she’s always wanted!
- Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night….I still have a bit between my teeth.
- Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco, just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’
- Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of uniquorn!
- Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
- “I’ve just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer…AND THEY’RE OFF”
- I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse….. I guess Tesco just listened.
- Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
- A cow walks into a bar. Barman says ‘why the long face?’ Cow says ‘Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!’
- I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horses d’oeuvres.
- These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO NO NO!
- Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers are giving me the trots
- To beef or not to beef, that is the equestrian
- Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is an anagram of …SHERGARS BUM.
- Tesco’s have released a new liqueur to complement their range of burgers, they’re calling it ‘Red Rum’.
I just copy and paste this stuff.