‘What’s the prognosis Doctor?’
‘Well sir, it isn’t good.’
‘For heaven’s sake man, give it to me straight. I can take it.’
‘Well….you’re just shit at cooking with pastry.’
‘My God. I can’t believe this is happening.’
‘You’re not alone sir. Many, many good people have come to terms with this reality.’
‘But I just don’t think I can take this kind of rejection.’
‘It becomes easier…with time.’
And so on to my latest pastry-based culinary disaster. And I blame many, many things.
I blame the Hairy Bikers for a recipe that was never going to work.
I blame the tosspots who produce ready-rolled puff pastry. Have these morons ever actually cooked anything with this crap? Its so thin its useless.
And lastly I blame my hands – hot, sweaty bloody things that turn pastry to useless slippery mush in two seconds flat.
Even so it all started so promisingly – with a nice collection of ingredients all weighed out and ready to roll:
To create Chocolate and Pear Puff Pie you’ll need (although to be honest I’d go and buy one if you’re that eager):
- Can of pear halves, drained
- 100 g butter (about a stick I think)
- 2 eggs
- 100 g dark chocolate (85% cocoa is good!)
- 100 g ground almonds
- 100 g caster sugar
- 50 g self-raising flour
- 1/2 tsp vanilla essence
- 1 sheet of puff pastry
By now you might be thinking ‘what is he going on about – it all looks fine so far’. So far. So we whisk the eggs and then cream the butter and dry ingredients into them and then add the vanilla essence and chocolate:
Then get the puff pastry sheet and lay it out. Spread the filling along one side then pop the pears on top:
Brush some beaten egg around the edge and fold the pastry over and seal the edges:
Score the pastry and finish with egg wash. Cook in the oven for 20 minutes at 180 centigrade. Take out the oven and….
WTF? Has the bloody thing prolapsed? Has it erupted like some sugar-based volcanic inferno? No, the pastry split. The bloody pastry split. Still I can’t eat it anyway as I am on a low-fat, low-carb, low-everything diet. So I tried it out on the Mrs. The Mrs wasn’t too sure:
But I worked some culinary magic and served it up with clotted cream:
I’m told it was okay. Just okay. Fed the rest to the cat. Don’t know who’s cat it was. Hope it didn’t puke:
This is the pudding, not the cat.
We’ve reached that point in pre-autumn when pears fall from our two pear trees faster than we can eat, bake, puree them,
Make pear cider I mean Perry. I would definitely try that
Hey, I think that looks good! I always think that the “mush” factor makes food look better anyway, and when you slice it nicely, who’s to know? Guess you need to open some vents next time.
Yes i did vents but i dont think they were good enough – and as you say it doesnt look too bad, all things considered
Thanks for sharing the very real side of food blogging!
Always a pleasure!
“Prolapse” by itself, not funny. With “pastry,” incontinence inducing, LOL
Yes not a nice thought really but it was the only thing I could think of to describe it!
Am I to understand that it wasn’t supposed to look like that? Oh dear…………well, lucky cat. I would have eaten it myself, and that way no evidence (other than the additional pounds.)
Thanks for a delightful and very funny post! And for stopping by at my blog where I often talk to myself, too. You are quite adventuresome with your pastry!
No it was supposed to look all neat and tidy but i’m glad you asked the question i dont feel such a fail now!
That dessert look perfectly delicious to me! I mean, other than the whole pastry-prolapse thing, it looked like dessert perfection! A little creative slicing and YUM.
I bet that was one happy cat! Meow.
Yes its all in the editing – i mean if MacDonalds can make a meat and bread slap look like something edible then why cant I do the same with some pastry and a pear (of course chocolate hides a multitude of sins…
Hilarious post, and we have ALL been there. Thanks for sharing.
thanks – sometimes i think i’ve been there more than many
On the positive side a culinary mishap makes for some great blog quips and jokes
Yes what I lack in culinary skill I cover with literary drivel!
I am so glad you stopped by my blog, otherwise I would probably never have found this post, and I wouldn’t have had as good a laugh today. As a thank you, I shall start following!
Well thats very kind – thanks!
I hate when a baked good turns to crap. I’m so sorry! I had that happen with homemade brownies once, had to quickly make a pudding and serve it in a martini glass with whipped cream. Managed to save it but they looked absolutely hideous.
Good luck next time!
Actually i think i prefer cock-ups to successes
So funny!! I had a calzone do that recently, on a pizza stone — total mozzarella blow-out that ran everywhere and hardened like cooled lava — black and all over the bottom of the oven! Good on you for sharing…with your readers AND the cat. :p
Mozzarella blow-out – that sounds like a recipe in itself!
Yes!
Okay, you just made me snort with laughter in a most unladylike way. That’s the funniest post I’ve seen in a long time. I love it when we bloggers throw a failure or two into the mix … after all, is there anyone out there who only produces perfection in the kitchen?
I once made a Nigella recipe for a curried squash and salmon dish that was the most unappealing thing I’ve ever, ever made. It was hurl-worthy. The kids ran from the room, I gagged and the husband practically choked on it (that would be the ex-husband — hmmmm … bad cooking can apparently be more serious than I realized).
Yes and the good thing about blogging is you only share what you want to – so with a bit of clever photography beautiful disasters can turn out to be fantastic creations (if you so choose)
That’s so funny! But I bet it tasted yummy……………
I wouldn’t know I’m on an ‘eat nothing and get your calories from wine’ diet.
Well at least you tried – not everything works out and nobody died (well we don’t know about that cat now do we?). I know my cat wouldn’t eat it & I’ll have to be honest, I’m not sure that my dog would either & she’ll eat just about anything other than bananas. The piece you cut off doesn’t look so bad though.
No I could have just left it at the cut off bit and no one would have known any better – that’s editing for you!
Magnificent post. So manly of you to openly admit the fail. I would have dickied it up and looked like a food hero. I approve the cat feeding if it really was crap. I am a dog man myself.
Best,
Conor
Yes the cat deserves all it gets – that feline swine takes the total piss (and craps in our garden on a regular basis)
Love the honest take on how bloody difficult pastry is! Every other blog makes it seem so easy and I keep thinking “its just me!”
No its not you…its me! No seriously baking is a total sod…
You are so funny – laughed so hard! It seemed like a weird idea anyway, to bake a cake in pastry! Looks don’t matter though, and I can imagine pears and chocolate being rather tasty together…
Yes pears and chocolate are supposed to be a perfect combination – wouldn’t know myself though seeing how I can’t eat this stuff…
This made me laugh out loud (on the tram, people were staring!). It doesn’t look so bad though, actually looks quite good!
Perhaps there was too much liquid and thus expanding steam in the filling? Maybe helps to use raw/fresh pears rather than canned?
Yes I could have faked it and pretended nothing went wrong. I like the idea of laughing on public transport – people get worried!
I didn’t laugh diabolically, though
Good thats a dangerous thing to do in this day and age…
Hahaha.. I’d be your cat any day!! I think you’re better off getting off your diet and giving this one a try. I wouldn’t care if a little filling escaped!! And burying it in cream.. now that’s the perfect solution. Isn’t that what all food photographers do when there’s an imperfection, lol??
Yes the cream kind of hides a multitude of sins.
Probably tasted better than it looked. The filling had more liquid than the puff pastry could handle. Canned fruit holds liquid unless drained VERY well; like several hours or overnight. Try again using “regular” pie pastry instead of puff pastry. Cut the fat into the flour until it resembles small particles. A mealy pastry will hold liquid better, man.
That’s it! You’re right – I just poured off the juice and slapped the pears in – too wet
“I fed it to the cat. Don’t know who’s cat it was.” This is the best line. I’m going to be snickering over this one for some hours to come.
That cat treats the whole neighbourhood like it owns it. Mind you I like cats – they don’t care…
You write the funniest food blog I know of!
That’s good to read – my fails are better than my successes but what they hey…!!!
Aw! I still think you get a giant E for effort
I got an ‘N’ once for an exam when I was a kid – it literally mean ‘Nearly’ – well I assume it did…
To be clear, the souffles fell, not the family.
That’s brilliant! Mind you in this house it won’t be long till I fell the family…bless their trusting souls…
This was a fun read! My sympathies, I subjected the family to a strawberry souffle the other day… they fell
But the flavour was pretty good, so not a complete disaster.
It’s always good to share culinary misfortune…